I did not join a dating site as Tanya. I am not Tanya 24/7… I am Tanya maybe twice a month on a Saturday night… She is a person inside my mind who has always wanted to be a girl, but back when I was growing up it was hard to get information on it all, and then have a family that accepts it (they still don’t like it, but accept Tanya’s existence). But I am not getting any younger (despite appearances), I am unhappy, so unhappy I am getting depressed. I am sick of this feeling and want a special girl in my life, but its hard to find a girl who accept this side of me, so I might have to sacrifice her…
Only downside is, if I meet the perfect vanilla girl, me being Tanya will be history (for a little while anyway)
(*Cross-posted from my Fetlife profile)
The downside to staying home on a public holiday, not really going anywhere is my mind wonders. While I don’t see the need to explain my actions to anyone, or feelings about certain things, sometimes I just like to write them down, express myself, and maybe the odd person might say to themselves “Oh! so that’s why you do that or are like that” or a group hug might happen when I least expect it.
Probably just a bit of an observation to some changes in my own behaviour I have noticed recently. I stopped going to Prov, completely. It used to be my favourite venue. But now its massively crowded. I hate crowds, I have enough problems dealing with it at rock concerts I go to. But I can at least stand back a bit and still enjoy the show. But there, its like being at a concert. Everyone sticks to their own little groups and it gets hard to meet new people. Then you have the “tranny chasers”. I am really annoyed that other trans girls that go there purely to pick up guys and some guys go there purely to pick up t-girls. I just happen to know one of those tranny chasers because he’s been around since the days I used to go to the Greyhound more than 10 years ago. Seems some people don’t change. If I see him, I say hello, but that is all. He’s always intoxicated. And last time I went (as Tanya) I had to give one guy an “evil stare” because I know what he was thinking. And he wouldn’t stop looking at me. I found it “Offensive”. I don’t want to go out and have to deal with that shit. Finally it costs me $40 just to go there ($15 for parking $25 entry) just to be bored for 2.5 hours and go home.
I am now seen at one venue only. Why? Well regardless of some people’s view of it, I like it there because I get treated for WHO I am, not WHAT I am. I go out dressed as a girl because its one of the few times I can go out and BE a girl, and BE treated as one. I blend in with the young crowd also who all show me respect. In fact, I continue to make new friends every time I go there. Hopefully soon, I will get to indulge in some play either as a Top or bottom. I was recently quizzed on it and it didn’t even dawn on me to bring any toys or organise play. Now that is has, I will bring a little arsenal with me next time :).
As for other venues? Well I only just started going back to Kinky until it suddenly closed. I have nothing against the other places, and am often happy to attend private functions should I be invited to them. But I am also on a limited income, so I need to be sure that where I go, I am going to enjoy myself. Some may say I should create my own fun. Who with? Most of the types of play that is going on around me doesn’t appeal to me, and I am a bit on the shy side (surprisingly) so I am often reluctant to approach others because they are undertaking some sort of pre-arranged play anyway. While I have managed to indulge in play with one lovely lady I have known for a while, it has been limited (through nobody’s fault, its just panned out that way).
Another observation I have about myself is my reluctance to socialise with other t-girls. I will always say hello, do the customarily catch ups etc… But then I move on. I just will not spend a night hanging around them. I would rather blend in with the rest of the crowd. This is nothing against them, I think my fear is my mind will wonder, I will get distracted by all the lovely people around me. I just want to be part of the crowd I guess, and not part of a group of t-girls. Please don’t take offence, I still love our catch ups…
Which also brings me to my other thought… I get emails from t-girls who often want to be new friends, want to dominate me or have me as their Mistress. Keep dreaming, never going to happen, EVER. Males who email me, thinking how much of a cute little slave girl I might become, same thing, NEVER going to happen, EVER. But it seems that many feel they are “THE ONE” who can change my views on that. How? By discussing how big your phallus is? Oh purleeze! I’m Straight. Granted, I have had one experience with a guy. Yes, I actually tried it over 10 years ago. He was 21 when I was 34 (I knew the guy personally). It was a one off. I am only interested in women and that is that. I seek a girlfriend, pure and simple.
I post pictures of many things, mostly either clothing I want to own, styles I like, bondage images I admire or want to experience (recently I try to give credit where I can for the source of the images). It seems many of my fetishes are mainly shared amongst other males and TVs. That’s a pain. It means I am highly unlikely to experience it with a female. Sure, I have tried advertising, with NO response. I am reluctant to go to an establishment to pay a week’s wage for an hour of indulgent. I don’t get paid enough. I’m not as rich as I once was. Sometimes fantasies remain just that, fantasies…
I have come close to finding the ideal Mistress, sadly she is in Sydney and I am in no position to move there. So we occasionally correspond, keep in touch. She’s a hard-assed Domme, but there is something about her that grabs me. I can’t put it into words. I am keeping an eye out for her Melbourne twin.
Occasionally I like to top, maybe one day I’ll have my own subby girl, although that will be ONLY in my male form (black_forever). I have concluded as Tanya, I am strictly submissive, and maybe one day, with the right Domme, I might even be a slave (and I don’t care if the Domme is 25 or 55, if we click, then age is not an issue).
To finish off, and one thing to keep in mind. I am VERY body conscious, particularly about my waist line. It bothers the shit out of me. Because everywhere else I am well toned, firm and then the “baby” is on display. I am undertaking 2 fitness challenges currently to “remove” it along with a new personal trainer, food plan etc… Because I want to feel good in my amazing outfits, not feel like I need to hide something… Or wear my corset so damn tight I can’t breathe to get the “look” I want…
These are just my general thoughts, if you are offended by some of them, then by all means take me off your friends list. But I value all my friends. They are all different and special in their own unique ways. If we were all the same it would be pretty boring place. I have some great friends here and many of my new ones are also beautiful people who I look forward to getting to know better.
Keep in mind, this is a ramble… But I feel better now I got it off my chest…
"Liesmith in Latex"
Model/Cosplayer: Eloquent Mx Loki
Latex: Plastic Kat Latex
Dress Design/Photography/Editing: Slippery Photography
MUA:Miss Cee Make-up
I had so much fun shooting this, I love my Lady Loki dress my partner designed for me. I also love my Tony Bianco heels that I wore for this shoot. Lots more latex goodness to come~
- Mx Loki
This looks like Docklands in Melbourne… Is it?